Over complicated grass cutting devices
Carrie posted in Interest articles on July 12th, 2007
You know what’s wrong with the world today? Over complicated lawn mowers. Lawn mowers should not be that difficult to use. Pull cord, push mower. They should be at about the same level as glorified sheep with no poo. People of today’s society, that is the society that actually needs to mow its lawn, have enough stress in their lives without adding the complications of technologically bloated grass-cutting apparatuses.
Having to mow the lawn of a duplex is especially frustrating because people with small yards insist on making the most of their space by cramming every lawn ornament possible into a space the size of my swimming pool. It’s bad enough that their garden is full of god’s weeds, now I have lawn ornnaments to deal with. That being said, I find that the most frustration comes from the fact that I have to mow the lawn at all. Not because I mind mowing lawns but because of the motions I have to go through to mow such a pathetic piece of lawn. Because of the aforementioned semi-arid climate of Whitehorse (see “Messengers of God”), the lawn really only has these islands of grass that are too long and then extended patches of deadness. Of course, Flanders next door has a perfect lawn. I’m not bitter or anything but I may or may not look the other way if Maya has to pee in that area.
But the mower itself is really the root of this problem. After prying the huge machine out from the tiny garden shed (tiny yard = tiny shed, though if your yard is really that small why is the shed necessary in the first place?), I realise that it’s out of gas. Fortunately there is gas in the shed but nnnnooooOOOOOO, it’s not that easy. First you have to figure out if it takes straight gas or mixed gas. You’d think they could just standardise it. I have a similar issue with debit machines: why can’t the stripe always be facing in or always facing out? Why can’t it be consistent? However, using my extensive mechanical know-how I determined that I had no clue which kind of gas it took so I decided to just run the mower until it ran out and then drive off the next bridge when I came to it. Enter Problem Number 2. Or maybe we’re on Problem 57? I’ve lost count…
No offence Dad, but I’m used to using very old and complicated garden machinery. You know the kind where you have rub the engine, spit in the gas, push the button, turn around three times and then pull the crank while touching your nose in the air to get it started? So, naturally, I’m looking for the little…squishy thing…the rubber bulb…that you push X number of times to…do something with the…mechanical parts. You know, that thing. But no rubber thing is to be found. I do find that whole the oil stick part though. Problem Number 56 may be solved.
So whatever, ignore squishy bulb thing and figure out how to start without it. God forbid someone should write START or STOP on the grass cutting devices. It’s like they’re anticipating that people who operate this machinery can’t read or something. Instead they have to put a little picture of a rabbit and a turtle. Okay, tortoise and the hare, slow and fast…but they both start and the both stop so how does that help me? I pick one and go for it. Oh wait, it’s not even that easy.
Next I’ve got “Blade control” and “Clutch”. They are two extra handles that you can hold on to while pushing the mower. What the heck does “Blade control” mean? Speed? Height? Angle? It’s a mystery. Then you have “Clutch”. I later figure out that in order to stop the machine you have to let the clutch out. Does this not seem backwards to any other application of the word “clutch” that you can think of? Why do lawn mowers have the right to oppose the basic laws of physics where one normally pushes the clutch IN to disengage engine? However, this being a complicated machine and determined to make me look like an idiot in front of all the neighbours (who can watch because the yard is so small and the houses are on top of each other), I fail to realise that releasing in the clutch is what stops the lawn mower until it’s dragging me across the lawn. I swear it was a like a slapstick movie. I push clutch in, pull chord, and lawn mower takes off across lawn and smashes into fence.
It’s a self-powered lawn mower! How lazy can you get? Not only is the lawn teeny tiny, in need of mowing twice a summer, and completely flat, I don’t even have to push the lawn mower? Okay that’s fine, bonus for me except that I can barely keep up to the thing. And then when I want to back up (I have to let the clutch out) there’s this huge resistance so that I have to double my energy expenditure just get back out from between the lawn ornaments. Plus, when I want to move the many lawn ornaments out of the way I have to let go of the handle and, OH! guess what? “Blade Control” means Start and Stop. I was this close to finding duct tape and just taping the stupid thing On so I could finish the lawn. And there are only 2 speeds: Stop and REALLY FAST. So the finer points and hard-to-reach places were done by an oversized lawn mower smashing into things. It was the most ridiculous lawn mowing experience in my life. It even beats the time I almost drove the tractor into the swimming pool. Fortunately, in this semi-arid climate, I may never have to do it again.
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