Principles for Survival1
Carrie posted in Fan favourites on July 30th, 2007
Since the majority of my family reads this blog regularly I have to censor its contents regarding our just finished Wallace family reunion: Toronto. That could be a reality show title. We even had a citronella torch out at one point. “The next person who speaks at the same time as another or raises her voice above 50 decibels is SO off the island!” But we all survived and nobody even had to go to the hospital; a first for our gatherings I think. Our wine cellar is in serious need of replenishing and we’ll be finding dishes in strange places for the next two weeks but the house is still standing and we’re all still friends:) If ever you should find yourself immersed deep within a Wallace family gathering here are some tips that will help you survive the encounter.
Principles for Survival In the Wallace Clan By John Wallace
(Which is really the Williams Clan; see Principle Two)
1. Always remember, volume trumps everything. When in doubt, shout it out!
2. This is a matriarchal society. In keeping with the Orwellian standard, women and men are equal; it’s just that women are more equal than men.
3. If anyone makes a mistake—particularly a grammatical one—it is important to bring it to that person’s attention immediately and publicly. This is known as a teaching moment. This technique can be used even if the error wasn’t really an error at all. In this instance, remember Principle One, volume trumps all.
4. People are eager to hear your opinion on any topic. (Don’t forget Principle One.) The less you actually know about the topic the more interesting your opinion is likely to be.
5. Conversation is enhanced if multiple streams are flowing at the same time. If you hear one person talking, jump in with your own thoughts or observations. In these instances it is important to remember Principle One.
6. Nature abhors a vacuum. Silence is an aural vacuum. Random words are acceptable if that’s all you have and, of course, remember Principle One.
7. People not physically present are fair game for ridicule. If you leave the room it is better if you give the impression that you will be returning at any moment. This will not protect you entirely, but it does reduce the chances of walking in on a critique of all your flaws, real and imagined.
8. When all else fails, remember Principle One.