February 9th, 2026

Yukon River Quest0

The Race to the Midnight Sun

Pictures of the River Quest
Yesterday I lifted a big heavy aluminum paddle and pulled it back to move the big fiberglass camp canoe through the water. In fact, I think the boat was made out of concrete it was so heavy. Probably not, I’m just spoiled by all the super-light racing gear we used. It was hard to believe that it’s been one week since Hayley and I got off the river. There was a time when I thought that river would never get to Dawson, and if it did, I would take up mountain biking, hiking, tap dancing, anything that didn’t involved moving my arms. But at camp this weekend, I picked up the paddle and dug in without hesitation. Time heals all wounds… maybe even my rotator cuff.
I became interested in the Yukon River Quest when I volunteered for the race last summer. I was looking to become involved in community activities and this event was happening so I helped out in Whitehorse with the boat checks and registration, I drove a racer’s car to Carmacks with his gear and then helped haul boats and organise people, then blew the siren in Dawson when racers crossed the finish line. I think it was the siren that did me in. Hearing that loud blast must have come as such as relief for those paddlers and I thought, “I’m going to do this race next year…with Hayley. She doesn’t know it yet but it’ll be awesome, she’ll see.”
So when Hayley said, “I’m coming to Whitehorse this summer!” I said, “Great! I’ll get the forms for the race in!” I don’t recall actually discussing it. It just sort of happened. I think our friends and family had bets going on whether we’d both cross the finish line: one us was sure to strangle the other somewhere between kilometre 1 and 746. By the end of the first of the month of training they were starting to wonder whether both of us would even cross the start line. I don’t know if it was my resistance to swallowing a cup of whey protein or the screaming match on the dock at 9 am before we set off for a practice paddle around Bigwin Island, but there were definitely some moments of tension. That seemed to dissolve once we were both in Whitehorse. As we set off for a practice paddle down the river we realised that this was it, we were actually here, doing this. Huge.
The race started with an agonising wait on Main Street. The mayor had to speak and then the MP did a speech where they said essentially the same thing. Then they introduced all 89 teams, where they were from, and who they were sponsored by. Half an hour! Seriously? Seriously. We’re wearing our lifejackets and spray skirts, sunscreen and paddling gloves. We’ve moved our boats to the beach, we’ve stretched, given pep talks, and mapped out our route down to the river. We’re wound tight and ready to go! And yet they keep talking! 2 minutes left. A silence falls on the crowd that has gathered on Main Street to watch 240 paddlers race 500 metres down the Trans-Canada Trail to the river.
I didn’t even hear the gun, I just started running. We were right behind the Texan Voyageur team (with one guy who actually looked liked a Voyageur, like, let’s do the time warp again). In the chaos I lost Hayley though at one point saw this purple streak fly by me on the tracks as she found an opening in the crowd. Spectators lined the trail and were clapping and cheering and shouting encouragement. I heard a crash beside me and saw Louise, an aerospace engineer from LA paddling in women’s K2 class, go flying head-over-heals as she crashed into a pillar of some sort that had been concealed by the runners in front of her until the last minute. I cringed but she got up and kept running. The crowd thinned as we got on the gravel bar and people spread out to get in their boats. Hayley and I grabbed our boat parked at the very end of the line (Team 98 was the last team accepted into the race) and headed out. People cheered from the bank and groups of our friends had taken their lunch hour to gather there and shout encouragement.
At first it was like a regatta only longer. Boats were everywhere of all shapes and sizes and we spent more time maneuvering around them than moving forward. I never even saw the Texans or Kisseynew hit the water. They were around the bend before I even made it to the beach and I never saw them again. They were finished the race before Hayley and I made it to the last rest stop. I can’t imagine paddling at such a pace. The pace Hayley and I chose was 30 minutes of sprint then 1 hour of easy pace, repeat, then 10 minute break. It was designed to mirror the pace we found during our practice run, when we realised we were going to miss our pick up and would be stranded in the middle of nowhere. Must go faster. So that pattern lasted about 2 cycles. By the time we hit Lake Lebarge 4 hours later we’d ditched the pattern and had settled into a comfortable rhythm of around 60 stokes/minute, switching sides when needed to go around a bend in the river, and peeing in a bucket. The peeing part was tricky as we were still very close to other paddlers. It had to be timed carefully.
The dreaded lake was smooth and calm. Not a breath of wind, not a cloud in the sky. It was hot!! That’s right, I said it: HOT in the Yukon. We paused only briefly to administer sunscreen to the necessary areas but that didn’t prevent my left side from crisping up. I burned my left ear so badly it was blistering. It was definitely odd to be putting on sunscreen at 11:30 at night! But with our flatwater experience and Hayley’s kick-ass pace we flew across the lake… in 7 and a half hours. We just picked the furthest point we could see and paddled to it, knowing that when we got there we would pick the furthest point we could see and paddle to it again, and again, and again. It actually wasn’t nearly as bad as we had anticipated. We stopped twice to do our business but quickly put the lake behind us and as the sun set around midnight we hit the third checkpoint and started down the river.
It was with great relief that we found a good many boats parked at the checkpoint for a break. We were closer together than we thought. We sat in the current and pulled out some dinner, changed from our quick-dry shorts and sunhats to fleece pants, wool socks, neoprene gloves, and toques. As the sun set the temperature fell to the single digits and it was chilly in the eerie darkness of the river. With our headlamps lit, the current picked up pace and we found ourselves neck and neck with the Ladybums, our primary competition for 3rd place. The 1st and 2nd place women’s C2 teams were long gone, so it was really a race between our 2 boats for 3rd. Hayley and I were definitely the stronger paddlers so with shear grit and determination we kept up and then took the lead over the Ladybums. But their experience and knowledge reading the river won out and it wasn’t long before we fell behind. Well, I feel asleep and then we fell behind, but no amount of chocolate covered espresso beans could keep my eyes open! Plus, I’m pretty sure the Ladybums were mutants: they never peed! Seriously, they never hesitated or slowed down; did they not eat or pee? I felt like we were peeing every 10 kilometres but they just kept trucking. Freaks.
When the sun rose around 3:30 am it brought welcomed warmth to the river. The night had been creepy and everyone was trying to get ahead in the darkness but having trouble staying awake after paddling for 15 hours straight. Hayley and I never hallucinated exactly but we did get confused by some inanimate objects. For example, we both saw a tandem kayak ahead of us and decided to follow their short cut across the bend in the river instead of riding the current around the outside. As our boat ground across the stony bottom we both realised that the kayak was in fact a log with branches sticking out and it was stuck on the same shoal we were about to get hung up on. The only comfort we received from this error was that the Ladybums followed us and got more stuck that we did. It was a small defeat from which they soon recovered. I also had an issue with some seagulls. They were all lined up in perfect intervals along the riverbank silently watching our progress, as though they were guarding something or preparing an ambush. The course veered slightly to the left and Hayley says, “What’s going on back there? Where are we going?” To which I respond, “We have to get away from those seagulls because they’re really freaking me out!!”
Our greatest weakness was not conflict or miscommunication, paddling technique, or equipment but rather our lack of big river experience. We have plenty of experience around whitewater and flatwater but the big river current tricked us and we were fighting it more than using it. It seemed like we were constantly paddling against the current or finding the one place where it slowed, eddied back, or turned the wrong way. It always looked as though it was faster where we weren’t and we wasted a lot of time and energy moving across the river to find the faster water. Our problems were reinforced by the hairpin turns and headwind that blew us back upstream. By the time we’d reached the Little Salmon river and the fourth checkpoint we had been paddling for more than 24 hours and were more than a little frustrated.
Unfortunately I had gotten into my head that the Carmacks layover and mandatory 7-hour stop was only an hour or so down river. We rejoiced when the checkpoint volunteers told us we were not the last boat through and in fact sat in 70th place, but then our hearts sank when they told us Carmacks was another 40 miles away. I almost cried. It was so hot, and I was so tired, all I could think about was stopping. I wanted to scratch, I couldn’t take it, I was ready to let us just drift forever down to Carmacks, anything put paddle another stroke. It was actually Hayley that kept us going then. She just sighed and said, “Well, I guess we’d better keep paddling.” She took the map because I couldn’t bear to look at all the river we had left and picked our course and dug in for the long haul. Sluggishly I follow her rhythm and I’m pretty sure I passed in and out of consciousness as we struggled around one bend then another to make it to Carmacks.
We arrived at Carmacks just before 5 pm and Ryan (our support crew) directed us towards a tent he had set up with Thermarests inside. We took a 3 minute shower and then collapsed into our hot tent with the sounds of other teams coming and going all around us. It was so awesome having a support person there who was able to clean out the garbage from our boat, restock our food, hang clothes to dry, and get everything ready for us to set out again. When he woke us up 6 hours later we just had to hop into our boat and paddle away. Without a support person we would have had to spend precious sleep-time getting cleaned up and ready to go. There are many teams who travel from all over the world to participate in this race and they often can’t afford to have a support person there for them.
We hit Five Finger Rapids at 2:30 am in about the darkest part of the night. No matter: Hayley and I are pro-stars and we cruised through without picking up a drop of water. After the rapids we started gaining on some of the solo boats. The lack of opportunity to rest while your partner paddles meant that they needed to take more breaks where they weren’t moving. There was a group of about 7 of us who kept leapfrogging over each other: 2 solo kayaks, 2 men’s C2 boats, a tandem kayak, and a Voyageur boat. (We couldn’t figure out how we stayed so close to the Voyageur boat with 10 of them paddling but we think it must be because they were a mixed-gender boat and therefore stopped a lot to let people go pee… or they just stopped a lot… I don’t know.)
Having Hayley hold on to the map really forced strong communication in our boat. Instead of the stern paddler having the map and always deciding where to go, the bow paddler had to tell the stern paddler where to go and therefore forced that discussion between the pair. I found looking at the map too discouraging so Hayley kept our distance a secret except for the ever-important page turn that implied advancement in our progress. This system worked well for us until Hayley fell asleep just before Hell’s Gate and I lost track of the teams I was following through the confusing system of river islands and shoals. When she woke up she couldn’t figure out where we were on the map and we lost an hour paddling out of our way and towards the Pelly River. When we discovered we were actually at the Fort Selkirk checkpoint it was the best day of our lives since we were suddenly 2 pages ahead of where we thought we were! Such a treat!
The weather was unbelievably cooperative until just before Kirkman Creek when a HUGE thunderstorm snuck up on us from behind and clobbered us. Crazy winds, thunder, lightening, and a whole lot of rain! I haven’t paddled in rain like that in a long time. And those spray decks for canoes are such a joke! The water simply pools in low spots then runs down your skirt, through the Velcro and into the boat. Since the storm caught us off guard we had a bunch of stuff lazily sitting out that we should have taken the time to put away. We arrived at Kirkman Creek soaking wet and very cold. The longest 10 miles of my life. AND it turns out that miles are a lot longer than kilometers. Stupid miles. We found that the storm had caught people sleeping outside during their mandatory 3-hour break with their boats totally exposed. Now the layover checkpoint looked more like a refugee camp than a race station. People were wrapped in emergency blankets and bivvy sacks, eating soup with shaking hands, and wringing water out of their clothes. We hung up some clothes, wolfed down some soup and collapsed into one of the shelters that had been set up. Apparently, someone came and woke up Hayley and she acknowledged this, but we didn’t get up and she has no recollection of this happening. The volunteer then took 3 minutes waking me up who then shook Hayley awake as well. I gave her instructions on what to pack up and she looked at me like I had a turnip for a head and then proceeded to lie back down again. More forcefully I kicked her and said, “No, for real, we’re going!” and so she very slowly got out of her sleeping bag and packed up. We set out for Dawson knowing that we had another 12 hours of paddling ahead of us, but that was nothing compared to the 20-hour and the 28-hour stretches we had already paddled.
Hayley was really a trooper through all this. While my muscles were sore, she had a particularly bad pinch in her back that had steadily gotten worse along the river. Plus, by the time we had reached Carmacks, she had diaper rash so bad I thought it was Poison Ivy. After devouring a burger at Carmacks she slept great for a few hours and then proceeded to puke it all back up again before we left. The diaper rash improved slightly from Carmacks to Dawson but in Kirkman Creek Hayley’s lease on the soup and sandwich was up and that meal went into the outhouse as well. With an aching back and hardly any food in her she kept paddling strong and never doubted that we would make it. While my muscles were sore, my biggest issues were staying awake (I didn’t know it was possible to fall asleep in mid-paddling stroke) and satisfying my thirst. I was always thirsty and therefore always peeing but I had to force myself to eat to help me stay awake. I usually only took 3 minute naps leaning back on the stern deck until this one time when Hayley let me sleep for half an hour! I couldn’t believe I hadn’t fallen out of the boat! Last year someone had to scratch when he fell asleep in his boat and fell out!
The sun seemed to take forever to rise on Saturday morning. In fact, I’m pretty sure it came up and then shifted over a bit to be behind the ONE cloud in the sky. We were wet and so cold we could see our breath and a heavy fog settled on the river. I never needed to see that sun so much and it was the longest, most drawn out sunrise of my life. When it finally showed its face, the sun brought very little warmth and I didn’t take off my toque before reaching Dawson. My feet were so cold and I finally caved and took the time to change my socks and pants into the last dry pair we had. Now we had to make it to Dawson fast.
It was hard to grasp the idea the end was near and that we would actually get to stop paddling soon. We could see the Moosehide Slide above Dawson City from way down the river and the Top of the World highway taunted us as we maneuvered around the last few bends. We were definitely slacking by this point so we picked a pattern of 30 minutes of hard paddling followed by a break to keep us going. We even managed to pass another paddler and would have finished in front of him but for a navigational error in judgment on our part at the last minute. We gambled on a short cut and lost, but you win some and you lose some. Though we did seem to lose a lot more than win… When the Klondike River met the muddy Yukon we looked down through the clear Klondike water to bottom of the river. People cheered on the bank and the siren wailed as we crossed the finish line. At 11:34 am on Saturday we landed in Dawson barely able to walk, with sore backs, raw bums, and bloodied fingers. Actually the blood on my hands was so dramatic that the volunteers called the race doctor over, but it was only a series of small cuts on my fingers from…well, I don’t really know how they got there. Again, our support person had a hotel room ready for us with dry changes of clothes. We walked away from our boat, showered painfully, and collapsed into bed. We didn’t know our time and didn’t care about our placement, just that we had finished and that some of our newfound paddling friends were okay as well.
When we were out on the river we had a lot of time to talk about things, anything that came to mind. We talked about jobs, dreams, boys, politics, weather, family, news, and children’s cartoons. We solved the problems of the world: the solutions seem rather obvious when you’re on the river. Our own problems became much more simple as well. Hayley was quoted in the Whitehorse Star newspaper saying “When you’re on the river, everything is so real.” We cursed the water and praised the weather, and cursed at each other and thanked each other all in the same breath. We muttered words of encouragement and screamed complaints. We played I Spy, recited entire Broadway musicals, sang Down by the Riverside in 4-part harmony with only 2 people, and spent hours paddling in silence with the company of our own thoughts. We listened to our iPods until the batteries died, had conversations with the paddlers around us, and kept our eyes on the river ahead looking for one more boat to pass, consistently checking behind us for the sneak attack (“I can’t shake ‘em!”). There were times when we thought we were leagues behind everyone else only to come around a bend and see half a dozen boats ahead of us! It was a rollercoaster of emotions going from joy and laughter to tears and despair and back again within the same hour.
It was funny because on the last leg of the race Hayley and I found ourselves saying things like, “Next year we could do this instead…” or “Wow that should totally be our team name next year!” Then we’d catch ourselves and say “NEXT TIME!??!?” We agreed that the race was a life changing experience and incredibly powerful, and we were really glad to be doing it. Once. But we couldn’t understand who would do this again! There were some people receiving their 10-year participant pins! Our bodies were in agony and while our thoughts wandered around they always came back to the idea of finishing. Being done. Not having to paddle again. But as time passes since crossing the finish line I catch myself looking at the river and thinking, “Next year…” We learned so much from doing this race that we could totally improve our time in another year. We know how to better read the river, we would pack differently, bring different food, we would have more practice peeing, a better stroke pattern, and would train differently. I’m still having dreams about being on the river and getting a second shot at the race. The further I get from the race, the more I consider the possibility of doing it again.
But we learned more than how to read the river and paddle really fast during the Quest. We discovered just how far we could push our bodies and how well our minds could handle it. We communicated without using 4-letter words and learned about where our strengths and weakness lay. Hayley, who despairs at the slightest setback in everyday life, never seemed daunted by the number of kilometres we had left to paddle. We’d calculate how much further until X place and she would sigh and say, “Well, I guess we’d better keep paddling then.” Whereas I would shake my head and just sit there, practically in tears, conjuring up ways to get off the river sooner. I think the idea of scratching was particularly depressing because I knew that we never would. I had all these ideas on how to get out of the race but knew that we would never use them. No matter what, we were going to finish this. We had to prove to ourselves we could do it and we wanted to show all of our doubters the same. I don’t know if it was actually so, or if it was simply a projection of our own insecurities about being in this huge event, but during registration, practice, and start up it felt as though an unusual amount of people were doing a double-take when we said we were paddling. One racer even came up to us at gear inspection and said, “Oh it’s the 2 girls; so, did your equipment pass?” As though we showed up to the race with a Coleman boat and solar shower! It also felt like a suspiciously high number of media came to talk to the team with purple hair. The 2 sisters. As though there was no way that two girls in the same family could both be capable of paddling a canoe. But we showed them. We showed us. We laughed until we cried and cried until we laughed but no matter what mistakes we made, what ground we covered, or how tired we were, we always came back the only solution that was possible at that time: just keep paddling. Some teams sprinted, then rested. Others took breaks or caffeine pills. They would pass us and we would catch up, they passed us again, and would catch them around the bend. We just kept paddling.
In the end we accomplished everything we set out to do and more. We finished the race. We didn’t come last. We didn’t come last in our category either; we came in fourth, one spot away from the podium. We wanted to finish the race in 60 hours; we finished in 61 hours and 4 minutes, which is good enough for jazz. (And, as hypothesized, the siren did come as a relief after being on the river for 4 days straight). We landed in Dawson 1 hour earlier than we had planned after leaving Kirkman Creek taking only 11 and a half hours to finish the last leg of the race. Also, we wanted to move up at least one place in the standings on the second half of the race between Carmacks and Dawson. Instead we moved up 13 places, finishing 57th out of 89 teams. And after all that, we didn’t kill each other, so we consider the race a success!
To anyone who’s thinking about doing the River Quest I say, “Go for it!” But more importantly, to anyone who’s thinking about doing something different, adventurous, or difficult, I say, “Go for it!” It’s true that some people were in this race to win it. The guy who thought our equipment might be questionable does 30 races a year. But some people win marathons and other people cross the finish line. We just wanted to do something amazing. One person said to me before the race “Oh your in C2? My girlfriend’s gonna kick your butt!” I looked at him questionably and thought: There are a lot of different ways to win this race, the least of which involves crossing the finish line. Hayley and I accomplished everything we set out to do, and more. We decided we wanted to do something and we did it. It was amazing, it was torture, it was inspirational, and it was unbelievable and none of it had anything to do with who crossed the finish line before us, or after us. So if you’re sitting there wishing you could do something as cool as the Yukon River Quest stop wishing and start doing. If you want something, you can do it, you just need to go and do it. Everyone has the same number of hours in a day and the only difference is how we spend it.

Just around the river bend!
Carrie & Hayley (Like a Fox)

P.S. Though we say it wouldn’t have mattered if we had come in dead last, there was a certain satisfaction in crossing the line before these 2, somewhat sexist guys, who were more than a little ticked off they were beat by 2 girls:) Don’t worry, we only smirked in private.

Principles for Survival1

Since the majority of my family reads this blog regularly I have to censor its contents regarding our just finished Wallace family reunion: Toronto. That could be a reality show title. We even had a citronella torch out at one point. “The next person who speaks at the same time as another or raises her voice above 50 decibels is SO off the island!” But we all survived and nobody even had to go to the hospital; a first for our gatherings I think. Our wine cellar is in serious need of replenishing and we’ll be finding dishes in strange places for the next two weeks but the house is still standing and we’re all still friends:) If ever you should find yourself immersed deep within a Wallace family gathering here are some tips that will help you survive the encounter.

Principles for Survival In the Wallace Clan By John Wallace

(Which is really the Williams Clan; see Principle Two)

1. Always remember, volume trumps everything. When in doubt, shout it out!

2. This is a matriarchal society. In keeping with the Orwellian standard, women and men are equal; it’s just that women are more equal than men.

3. If anyone makes a mistake—particularly a grammatical one—it is important to bring it to that person’s attention immediately and publicly. This is known as a teaching moment. This technique can be used even if the error wasn’t really an error at all. In this instance, remember Principle One, volume trumps all.

4. People are eager to hear your opinion on any topic. (Don’t forget Principle One.) The less you actually know about the topic the more interesting your opinion is likely to be.

5. Conversation is enhanced if multiple streams are flowing at the same time. If you hear one person talking, jump in with your own thoughts or observations. In these instances it is important to remember Principle One.

6. Nature abhors a vacuum. Silence is an aural vacuum. Random words are acceptable if that’s all you have and, of course, remember Principle One.

7. People not physically present are fair game for ridicule. If you leave the room it is better if you give the impression that you will be returning at any moment. This will not protect you entirely, but it does reduce the chances of walking in on a critique of all your flaws, real and imagined.

8. When all else fails, remember Principle One.

Messengers from God6

Today I was pulling weeds from the front garden and setting sprinklers on the parched lawn when two guys in suits called out to me. I had seen them earlier going up to a house down the street and thought it must another prom night. Though, I also considered Wednesday to be a strange night for a prom.
“Are you enjoying your gardening, ma’am?” they asked.
Weird.
I considered the question: I’m pulling up mutant Dandelions from rock hard soil in someone else’s garden with a slot screw-driver because it was all I could find and wasting water while watering a lawn in a semi-arid climate (a no-win situation you understand) because the lawns on either side look like putting greens and I’m embarrassed.
“Yes I am! Quite a bit, actually!” I answered. However, I grimaced as soon as they asked me the Million Dollar question:
“Have you heard of the prophet who walks the Earth among us today?”
Oh god. Literally. Evangelists of some flavour. There is a Church of Jesus of Latter Day Saints in town but the accent was a dead give away. American evangelists.
“You mean recently?” I asked, glancing up from my gardening which is suddenly very important.
“Yes, as the Lord said, he speaks to us through his messengers, his angels and his prophets and he has blessed us with his words in a modern day prophet who teaches us his ways and in whom we can find comfort.” Now you have to understand the context of this rehearsed speech. It’s a beautiful sunny afternoon (though god’s bowling alley does seem to be moving up from down valley) and they are in 3-piece suits, polished shoes and spending their afternoon wandering around spreading The Word to 99% of the people who don’t want to hear it. And these boys are young! I thought they were going to a prom or maybe even junior semi-formal!
I pause from ripping up god’s weeds in my garden and look at the boys. One then the other. These guys are for real!
“Uh-huh,” I articulate and then go back to the patch of soil and weeds barely classified as a garden. “And what does this prophet have to say?”
“He brings the word of God to the people teaching us to know God through the Lord Jesus Christ which is the only way any of us will meet our Lord once again,” proclaimed the preacher. “This prophet has come to Earth to do the Lord’s work.”
“Aren’t we all supposed to be doing the Lord’s work? I only mean, it’s not the sole responsibility of the prophets and we shouldn’t have to wait for instructions.”
“Well prophets help us to know God by providing a direct connection and proof of God’s love for us,” the boy replied.
“Proof?” I asked. “Why do we need proof? Isn’t that why they call it faith? Because you have to believe in something without any proof? Why do there always need to be answers to everything?”
“I don’t pretend to have the answers to everything–”
“And I’m not saying you do! But I’m not sure that people need the words of a ‘prophet’ to tell them how to be closer to god.” At this point gardening has taken on new meaning for me. I pulled up more weeds during our 37 second conversation then I did for the whole 10 minutes before. I humour them, “And what makes this prophet so important?”
It’s rather amazing what you’ll put up with when you’re pulling up someone else’s weeds with no music and the deepest conversation you’ve had in 2 days has been a monologue with the dog on the intricacies of baking a quiche with no recipe. Very one-sided. Normally I don’t have the patience to listen to other people tell me how I’m going to know god. I’m not really captivated by gardening though. The dog and I waited for the answer.
“Well this prophet helps us to understand and combat the problems facing the world today. Things like polygamy,” (isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black I thought), “abortion, homosexuality, climate change, war…” and he went about a bunch of stuff that I’m not sure the lord had anything to do with and I’m fairly certain are a direct result of humans being stupid. “…in the end, prophets help us to do good work in the Lord’s name–”

That’s it. That was the line.

“The lord’s name!?!?” I cut him off. “Don’t you think that the majority of the problems in this world are CAUSED by people ‘doing work in the Lord’s name?’ I mean, Jesus Christ, Allah, Yahweh, Buddha, Gaia, Shiva, Zeus, Ra, take your pick! But there are more problems on this Earth from people doing work in the Lord’s name then I think the lord really wants to take credit for!” Ohmigod I just ended a sentence with a preposition. I plow on regardless. “I think your prophet would have a lot less to talk about if people would just STOP doing things in the Lord’s name.” I’m not shouting, but I am emphasizing my point clearly. I hope the fetus you save is gay. Take that non-prochoice homophobes.
He hesitates, “Well I would have to agree with you there.”
I turn to his ‘companion’, Boy Number Two, and ask, “How about you? Why do you think this prophet is go great?”
“I find great comfort in his words and teachings as well,” he mumbles. Sigh. Poor guys, more than they bargained for here. No one spoon feeds me information without question. Except Gwynn Dyer. But even then I’m learning to doubt his commandments.
“Well thank you very much for sharing with me the news of this new prophet. Good luck in your travels.”
“Don’t you want to hear more about the prophet?” asks messenger Number One.
I pause for the second time only. Either the prophet or the dog. I’m not going anywhere, so why not? Let’s hear more about the prophet! “What’s the prophet’s name?”
“Gordon B. Hinckley.”
“Gordon B. Hinckley! I’m going to learn more about god through a prophet named Gordon B. Hinckley!” I already pity the Hinckleites of 2000 years from now, sitting in their churches laughing at us pagans for not recognising the prophet that walked among us. I feel bad because they’re called ‘Hinckleites’. At least ‘Christian’ doesn’t sound as dorky. “Alright, where is the prophet Gordon B. Hinckley now?”
I love weeds. How there are so many of them and how I don’t have to look these young lads in the eye as I mock their devotion.
“He’s in Utah.”
Handy. I’ll give you a minute to settle your bets.
“Ah, aha. Now I get it,” I smile. “Are you from Utah?”
Boy Number One answers first, “I’m actually from California.” Boy Number Two quietly says, “I’m from Utah.” I’m trying to think of what I know about Utah. I think there’s good rock climbing in Utah. And Mormons. Lots of Mormons. Apparently they’re running out of space in Utah. Also, I noticed a lot of Utah licence plates in Skagway. This seemed reasonable when I found out that Holland-America (the cruise ship/tour company that literally owns Skagway) has it’s head office in Utah. A cruise ship company has it’s head office in Utah…hm. Anyway, they hire Mormons to be their bus drivers on the overland tours because they know that they’ll be good honest workers, who don’t drink or party or cause trouble. So that’s why there are so many Utah licence plates in Skagway.
“You guys came all the way up here to tell people about a Gordon B. Hinckley in Utah? Did you volunteer for that?” Maybe spreading the word of the lord could be considered outdoor recreation. My next research subjects?
“Yes. Well, we paid to do it.” Boys, you’re getting hosed.
“How long will you be here?”
“About 6 weeks. You never know when you’ll get the call to move on to another place in need of God.” No, god’s very unpredictable that way.
“Well I thank you very much for letting me know about Gordon B. Hinckley but god and I are on pretty good terms right now. Thank you anyway for the information though. I guess that’s all you can do, eh? Just share the information and let other people make up their own minds about it all.”
“Yeah, see a lot of people think we’re trying to force our religion on others but that’s not it. We’re just spreading the word of God to people who may not have heard it before.” Uhuh. That’s what Jim Jones said. Boy Number One is not letting this go. Boy Number Two looks somewhere between mortified and bored. He throws a ball for the dog.
“Well your language choice is rather intimidating,” I say frankly. “The only reason it didn’t bother me is because I’m pretty confident with my own beliefs and don’t feel threatened by those of others. Do you guys want a glass of water before you continue your work? It’s warm out here today.” By warm I mean it finally broke 20 degrees for at least an hour.
“I’m okay but I think my companion would really appreciate it.” Is Boy Number One the designated spokesman? Maybe Boy Number Two is slow. Maybe Boy Number One drew the short straw. Do they take turns? Boy Number Two could be an apprentice. That’s how young they are.
I get him a glass of water. I can’t be mean to them. They must get doors slammed in their faces all the time. At least here they had someone with the courtesy to listen to what they have to say and THEN disagree.
“Isn’t there a big Mormon university in Utah?” I asked when I return with the water.
Boy Number Two perks up. “Yeah it’s called BYU.”
“Yeah I had a friend who went there. Don’t they have a good basketball team or something?” I continue.
Boy Number Two grimmaces, “Well, it comes and goes.”
“Don’t they all. I wouldn’t know though, it’s just what I heard. I don’t follow basketball. Hockey is my sport.”
“Oh yeah? Which team?” Boy Number Two is all chatty now.
“The Leafs. I’m from Toronto, it’s kind of a pre-requisite.”
“My brother-in-law cheers for the Leafs. He lives in Oshawa.” There are Mormons in Oshawa? Now that’s a funny mix. Maybe he said that he’s FROM Oshawa…maybe he was saved and now he lives in Utah and drives a bus for Holland-America.
I don’t really know how it ended but Boy Number Two finished his water and they thanked me for my time. I think they realised that I wasn’t about to be saved anytime soon. I’m pretty much doomed. I wished them good luck and hoped they enjoy their stay in the Yukon. I wave as they drive away but all I can think about is, ‘in the Lord’s name.’ As god is my witness I will never do anything in the lord’s name.

Then god went bowling and the heaven’s poured down on my freshly watered lawn. Good thing I took the time to set the sprinklers out. Maybe it was a sign in the lord’s name…

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