Carrie’s Ramblings

Messengers from God
Carrie posted in Rants, Fan favourites on June 21st, 2007

Today I was pulling weeds from the front garden and setting sprinklers on the parched lawn when two guys in suits called out to me. I had seen them earlier going up to a house down the street and thought it must another prom night. Though, I also considered Wednesday to be a strange night for a prom.
“Are you enjoying your gardening, ma’am?” they asked.
Weird.
I considered the question: I’m pulling up mutant Dandelions from rock hard soil in someone else’s garden with a slot screw-driver because it was all I could find and wasting water while watering a lawn in a semi-arid climate (a no-win situation you understand) because the lawns on either side look like putting greens and I’m embarrassed.
“Yes I am! Quite a bit, actually!” I answered. However, I grimaced as soon as they asked me the Million Dollar question:
“Have you heard of the prophet who walks the Earth among us today?”
Oh god. Literally. Evangelists of some flavour. There is a Church of Jesus of Latter Day Saints in town but the accent was a dead give away. American evangelists.
“You mean recently?” I asked, glancing up from my gardening which is suddenly very important.
“Yes, as the Lord said, he speaks to us through his messengers, his angels and his prophets and he has blessed us with his words in a modern day prophet who teaches us his ways and in whom we can find comfort.” Now you have to understand the context of this rehearsed speech. It’s a beautiful sunny afternoon (though god’s bowling alley does seem to be moving up from down valley) and they are in 3-piece suits, polished shoes and spending their afternoon wandering around spreading The Word to 99% of the people who don’t want to hear it. And these boys are young! I thought they were going to a prom or maybe even junior semi-formal!
I pause from ripping up god’s weeds in my garden and look at the boys. One then the other. These guys are for real!
“Uh-huh,” I articulate and then go back to the patch of soil and weeds barely classified as a garden. “And what does this prophet have to say?”
“He brings the word of God to the people teaching us to know God through the Lord Jesus Christ which is the only way any of us will meet our Lord once again,” proclaimed the preacher. “This prophet has come to Earth to do the Lord’s work.”
“Aren’t we all supposed to be doing the Lord’s work? I only mean, it’s not the sole responsibility of the prophets and we shouldn’t have to wait for instructions.”
“Well prophets help us to know God by providing a direct connection and proof of God’s love for us,” the boy replied.
“Proof?” I asked. “Why do we need proof? Isn’t that why they call it faith? Because you have to believe in something without any proof? Why do there always need to be answers to everything?”
“I don’t pretend to have the answers to everything–”
“And I’m not saying you do! But I’m not sure that people need the words of a ‘prophet’ to tell them how to be closer to god.” At this point gardening has taken on new meaning for me. I pulled up more weeds during our 37 second conversation then I did for the whole 10 minutes before. I humour them, “And what makes this prophet so important?”
It’s rather amazing what you’ll put up with when you’re pulling up someone else’s weeds with no music and the deepest conversation you’ve had in 2 days has been a monologue with the dog on the intricacies of baking a quiche with no recipe. Very one-sided. Normally I don’t have the patience to listen to other people tell me how I’m going to know god. I’m not really captivated by gardening though. The dog and I waited for the answer.
“Well this prophet helps us to understand and combat the problems facing the world today. Things like polygamy,” (isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black I thought), “abortion, homosexuality, climate change, war…” and he went about a bunch of stuff that I’m not sure the lord had anything to do with and I’m fairly certain are a direct result of humans being stupid. “…in the end, prophets help us to do good work in the Lord’s name–”

That’s it. That was the line.

“The lord’s name!?!?” I cut him off. “Don’t you think that the majority of the problems in this world are CAUSED by people ‘doing work in the Lord’s name?’ I mean, Jesus Christ, Allah, Yahweh, Buddha, Gaia, Shiva, Zeus, Ra, take your pick! But there are more problems on this Earth from people doing work in the Lord’s name then I think the lord really wants to take credit for!” Ohmigod I just ended a sentence with a preposition. I plow on regardless. “I think your prophet would have a lot less to talk about if people would just STOP doing things in the Lord’s name.” I’m not shouting, but I am emphasizing my point clearly. I hope the fetus you save is gay. Take that non-prochoice homophobes.
He hesitates, “Well I would have to agree with you there.”
I turn to his ‘companion’, Boy Number Two, and ask, “How about you? Why do you think this prophet is go great?”
“I find great comfort in his words and teachings as well,” he mumbles. Sigh. Poor guys, more than they bargained for here. No one spoon feeds me information without question. Except Gwynn Dyer. But even then I’m learning to doubt his commandments.
“Well thank you very much for sharing with me the news of this new prophet. Good luck in your travels.”
“Don’t you want to hear more about the prophet?” asks messenger Number One.
I pause for the second time only. Either the prophet or the dog. I’m not going anywhere, so why not? Let’s hear more about the prophet! “What’s the prophet’s name?”
“Gordon B. Hinckley.”
“Gordon B. Hinckley! I’m going to learn more about god through a prophet named Gordon B. Hinckley!” I already pity the Hinckleites of 2000 years from now, sitting in their churches laughing at us pagans for not recognising the prophet that walked among us. I feel bad because they’re called ‘Hinckleites’. At least ‘Christian’ doesn’t sound as dorky. “Alright, where is the prophet Gordon B. Hinckley now?”
I love weeds. How there are so many of them and how I don’t have to look these young lads in the eye as I mock their devotion.
“He’s in Utah.”
Handy. I’ll give you a minute to settle your bets.
“Ah, aha. Now I get it,” I smile. “Are you from Utah?”
Boy Number One answers first, “I’m actually from California.” Boy Number Two quietly says, “I’m from Utah.” I’m trying to think of what I know about Utah. I think there’s good rock climbing in Utah. And Mormons. Lots of Mormons. Apparently they’re running out of space in Utah. Also, I noticed a lot of Utah licence plates in Skagway. This seemed reasonable when I found out that Holland-America (the cruise ship/tour company that literally owns Skagway) has it’s head office in Utah. A cruise ship company has it’s head office in Utah…hm. Anyway, they hire Mormons to be their bus drivers on the overland tours because they know that they’ll be good honest workers, who don’t drink or party or cause trouble. So that’s why there are so many Utah licence plates in Skagway.
“You guys came all the way up here to tell people about a Gordon B. Hinckley in Utah? Did you volunteer for that?” Maybe spreading the word of the lord could be considered outdoor recreation. My next research subjects?
“Yes. Well, we paid to do it.” Boys, you’re getting hosed.
“How long will you be here?”
“About 6 weeks. You never know when you’ll get the call to move on to another place in need of God.” No, god’s very unpredictable that way.
“Well I thank you very much for letting me know about Gordon B. Hinckley but god and I are on pretty good terms right now. Thank you anyway for the information though. I guess that’s all you can do, eh? Just share the information and let other people make up their own minds about it all.”
“Yeah, see a lot of people think we’re trying to force our religion on others but that’s not it. We’re just spreading the word of God to people who may not have heard it before.” Uhuh. That’s what Jim Jones said. Boy Number One is not letting this go. Boy Number Two looks somewhere between mortified and bored. He throws a ball for the dog.
“Well your language choice is rather intimidating,” I say frankly. “The only reason it didn’t bother me is because I’m pretty confident with my own beliefs and don’t feel threatened by those of others. Do you guys want a glass of water before you continue your work? It’s warm out here today.” By warm I mean it finally broke 20 degrees for at least an hour.
“I’m okay but I think my companion would really appreciate it.” Is Boy Number One the designated spokesman? Maybe Boy Number Two is slow. Maybe Boy Number One drew the short straw. Do they take turns? Boy Number Two could be an apprentice. That’s how young they are.
I get him a glass of water. I can’t be mean to them. They must get doors slammed in their faces all the time. At least here they had someone with the courtesy to listen to what they have to say and THEN disagree.
“Isn’t there a big Mormon university in Utah?” I asked when I return with the water.
Boy Number Two perks up. “Yeah it’s called BYU.”
“Yeah I had a friend who went there. Don’t they have a good basketball team or something?” I continue.
Boy Number Two grimmaces, “Well, it comes and goes.”
“Don’t they all. I wouldn’t know though, it’s just what I heard. I don’t follow basketball. Hockey is my sport.”
“Oh yeah? Which team?” Boy Number Two is all chatty now.
“The Leafs. I’m from Toronto, it’s kind of a pre-requisite.”
“My brother-in-law cheers for the Leafs. He lives in Oshawa.” There are Mormons in Oshawa? Now that’s a funny mix. Maybe he said that he’s FROM Oshawa…maybe he was saved and now he lives in Utah and drives a bus for Holland-America.
I don’t really know how it ended but Boy Number Two finished his water and they thanked me for my time. I think they realised that I wasn’t about to be saved anytime soon. I’m pretty much doomed. I wished them good luck and hoped they enjoy their stay in the Yukon. I wave as they drive away but all I can think about is, ‘in the Lord’s name.’ As god is my witness I will never do anything in the lord’s name.

Then god went bowling and the heaven’s poured down on my freshly watered lawn. Good thing I took the time to set the sprinklers out. Maybe it was a sign in the lord’s name…